Boundaries

The potential consideration

Healthy boundaries are an important ingredient in our day-to-day wellbeing, and when hosting they are more important than ever. In fact, they’re so important that we mention boundaries in our tips for most of the other articles in this series. Many people feel guilty about setting boundaries and find it difficult to say no, but healthy boundaries keep you and other people safe and happy. Being clear about your boundaries lets other people know what they can expect from you and helps them feel safe and secure. Not having strong enough boundaries can result in being taken advantage of, becoming burned out, and making other people dependent on you (which really isn’t helping them in the long run!). Equally, holding too rigid boundaries can push others away and isolate you.

The psychology facts

Boundaries are an art not a science. Some boundaries are non-negotiable, for example “do not physically assault me”. Other boundaries require much more nuance and judgement about the context and specific situation. There are also different types of boundaries. Here are some that are most relevant to hosting:

  • Role boundaries (1). When your guest first arrives, they are likely to need some help getting set up in the UK. The registered charity who has facilitated your stay* will provide you with practical guidance about what needs to happen, and they can advise you on the expectations of hosts. However, it could be very easy to try to do everything for your guest, which could leave you exhausted and leave them disempowered. You may end up trying to play social worker, therapist, doctor and a variety of other roles. For your wellbeing, it is important not to neglect your own life, your work, your leisure activities, your friends and family. Try to make sure you’re allocating enough time to your own life and giving a reasonable portion of your time to supporting your guest.

    *Please always organise your host through a registered charity, to keep everyone as safe as possible throughout the process.

  • Role boundaries (2). In addition to the practical support you may provide, your guest will be living in your home and may end up feeling like part of the family. It would be easy to fall into a familial role which is not yours e.g. parent, child, sibling or romantic partner. Be aware that when someone is vulnerable and has experienced loss, they may be more likely to develop an intense (or in some cases romantic) attachment to the person who is supporting and caring for them. There is nothing inherently wrong with this, but if the situation arises it would need to be handled sensitively.

  • Emotional boundaries. In a previous article we discussed the potential emotional impacts of hosting. When someone is in your home and you are spending a lot of time with them, holding emotional boundaries may become very difficult. However, to look after your own wellbeing, it is crucial to try to keep a clear sense of their life and their difficulties as separate to your own. It is not your role to carry their pain and trauma – jumping down into the hole with someone does not help them. Self-compassion, self-care and realistic role boundaries will help you to manage your emotional boundaries.

  • Practical boundaries. Practical boundaries need to be thought about and then communicated clearly. These could come up in many ways and these examples are not an exhaustive list. Your guest may wish to help around the house with chores or contribute financially to living costs. Your guest may want to buy you gifts to show their gratitude. Your guest may have an expectation about whether they are included in family meals or events. All these situations require communication and negotiation. And remember that as a guest in your home, they may feel pressured to say “yes” to things they’d rather not do, to be polite.  

  • Physical boundaries. Physical touch can be tricky. Do you shake hands? Do you offer a hug if your guest is upset? Does your guest have different cultural norms around personal space? Again, communication and negotiation are key here. It can be a good rule of thumb to not initiate physical contact unless you are completely sure the other person will welcome it. This is particularly important when the individual has experienced trauma; read our article on PTSD triggers for further information.

Tips for managing this as a host

  • Set your own boundaries. Before your guest arrives, take some time to sit and reflect on what your boundaries should be. Find out what your hosting responsibilities will be and set yourself clear role boundaries in relation to these. Consider setting some boundaries around how much time you think it would be reasonable to spend with your guest or supporting your guest, without losing the balance with your own life and commitments. Try to think through any practical boundaries that might arise, and where you stand on these. If you are a couple or a family offering to host someone, you might all have different expectations or personal boundaries, so it can be helpful to discuss this to ensure that you are all consistent in the boundaries you set as a household.

  • Clear communication. We make a lot of assumptions in life. We assume that people know our intentions, we believe we know what people think about us, we believe we know what their underlying intentions are. Unfortunately, none of us are mind-readers (yes, even us psychologists!). The more explicitly you can communicate underlying assumptions, expectations, intentions and feelings, the more effectively you will be able to navigate and negotiate situations. Working on the assumption “If I haven’t said it to them, they probably don’t know it” is often a good approach.

  • Be realistic. Being realistic is important for both practical and emotional boundaries. If you’re hosting, you’re probably someone who really cares and really wants to help. But the reality is that you won’t be able to “fix” everything for your guest. Being realistic about what you can and cannot do will help you to be kinder to yourself and look after your own wellbeing.

  • Compassionate actions. There are a lot of myths and misunderstandings about the definition of “compassion” (go here for an excellent overview - https://mi-psych.com.au/compassion-an-overview/). Contrary to popular belief, compassion is not soft and fluffy. The compassionate action (i.e. the action that really is best for the person in the moment) is not always the ‘nice’ or easy action. Consider this: your friend is trying to lose weight and asks you not to give them any chocolate, the next day they’re craving sugar and begs for that Twix they asked you to hide… the easy/nice thing to do would be to give them the chocolate bar, but is that really what they need? No. The compassionate action requires wisdom and strength. The compassionate action would include empathising with their distress, but standing firm on the chocolate and perhaps encouraging them to do something else soothing instead. Compassionate actions help us hold good boundaries because we have to stop and reflect on what is the best thing to do in the moment, taking everyone’s true needs into account.

  • Self-compassion. Again, self-compassion is not easy or fluffy. By tuning into your self-critical voice (e.g. “I feel useless because I can’t do enough to help”), and bringing in a warm and wise compassionate coach, the task of holding emotional boundaries will become a lot easier. A ‘coach’ doesn’t need to be soft (see the example in the previous bullet point), they can still push you to strive and achieve, but with warmth, strength and wisdom. My favourite trick for self-compassion is to ask yourself the following question when you’re being self-critical or hard on yourself: “What would I say to a friend if they were in this position?” If your response is warmer and more encouraging, try and apply this to yourself. My favourite resource for learning about and developing self-compassion is here: https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Compassion

Tips for supporting your guest

  • Respect your guest’s boundaries. If your guest doesn’t want to talk about their experiences, if they don’t feel comfortable joining you for dinner, if they don’t want to take you up on your kind offer to accompany them to an appointment, that’s fine. Respect their boundaries, while trying not to take it personally or feel rejected. Again, clear communication and asking sensitive questions will help you work out where their boundaries lie.

  • Hold your own boundaries. You may find yourself in a situation where your guest is struggling to hold their boundaries. Perhaps they are over-stepping yours. This is a trickier one because you can’t fix someone else’s boundaries for them. All you can really do is keep yours firm, be assertive, communicate clearly and model good boundaries to them.

  • Flag safeguarding concerns. If you think a guest is being taken advantage of by someone else, it might be appropriate to gently point this out to them and express your concern in a way that is non-critical and non-judgemental. If you’re worried for someone’s safety and you don’t feel you can speak to them, you can seek advice from an appropriate source, such as the charity who has organised the stay.

Dr Natalie Isaia